A PROMISE

Friends keep promises, and they are always there to comfort you in times of desperation. Friends are ment to be kept, and trusted, no matter what.
I always trusted him. With my life. We’ve always been there for each other, for every new project, and for every break-up. Always promising the same thing… I’ll never leave you.
And I never did. But him…

He is an unstable man. Always has been. But he is my oldest friend, and I cannot stop loving him because of his nature. I may hate him more, but I’ll never love him less. I can’t love him less, that is my biggest flaw.
Tom is the best thing that could happen to me, to my entire life. But he is also the reason why I’ve been so miserable these last fifteen years, so quietly miserable.
And he must never know that. He must never know that he was the reason every new relationship I had with a man never worked. That he was the reason why I couldn’t focus on my final exams back in college. That he was the reason why I couldn’t get married with a man who loved me more than him…. but I didn’t love him back, because it was always his name that I remembered in my head. Tom. I couldn’t do this to the poor man, so I left him. I did him a favour…
“I thought he was finally the right one,” he said with a comforting smile, and his arms around me.
“There cannot be a right one, there will never be a right one.” I said with no more tears left in my eyes. Because it’s you who I want, and you and I… it will never happen.
“Don’t speak like that,” he looked down, studying my face and caressed my cheek with his thumb. “C’mon, let’s get that chocolate milkshake that you love so much.”
And that is the story of my life. Ialways surrendered to that smile and those impossible eyes of him. Always what he wanted, all the time. But I couldn’t help it, I loved him. And he loved me, just… in a very different way.
If only…
But even with his never ending perfection, Tom had problems too. And it broke my heart every time that I saw him crying. I am the only person who has ever saw him in his worse. And I’ve never felt so broken before, until I saw him there, helpless, shivering, his face reddened, and his eyes drowning in tears of blood.
I cried, and cried, and cried again with him. All night long. Without uttering a word. We fell asleep with our arms around each other, and our faces sticky by the endless tears. When he was more calm, he told me everything that happened. I couldn’t stop looking at him. His voice was so different, and every word he said was a stab to my chest. I’ve never seen and heard someone so hurt in my entire life.
“Please, Sam. Don’t— Never leave me, Sam. You are the only—” he was hyperventilating.
“Shhh.. just— breathe, Tom. Breathe deeply. It’s okay. I am here… No one’s going anywhere—”
“You are the only one I have” he said, sobbing.
It was like watching a toddler cry, so innocent and powerless. I thought of nothing, because I couldn’t think of anything else but to embrace him. And you are the only one I’ve loved, I wanted to tell him, but it just wasn’t right. Especially now.
But it was only a lie. He had much more than me. He had tons of friends, and a beautiful girlfriend. And I had no one but him. And I just couldn’t do it anymore. After all these years, I couldn’t.
When he brought me the news of her new fiancée… that was it. That was the last thing I could bare. For the last six months he was never there for me. I received my PhD in Oxford, and he wasn’t there. Neither did he apologise. Instead, he kept saying how magnificent and stunning his fiancée was and how happy would he be on the wedding day. And I just didn’t want to listen to him anymore.
He had left me. Even after fifteen years of repeatedly saying the contrary. Now it was my time to leave.
I received a job offer in Scotland, so I moved. Without saying anything to anyone. I just moved and never said where I was going. I didn’t want to be bothered. I wanted to start a new life… a new life without the name Tom in my head.
For the past three years I’ve been here, working as a professor in the University of Glasgow. I’ve been living alone in a nice flat not so far away form the University. I’ve met nice men here, but none of them have been of my taste. So I eliminated the possibility of ever finding someone that would be suitable for me.
I preferred it that way. I don’t think anyone would like to have a girlfriend that wakes up at 3 AM to weep occasionally. Alone I was protected, and alone I would be the rest of my life.
I heard someone knocked at my door. It was Sunday, and I woke up early to grade some papers for school the next morning. I wondered who could be looking for me so early. I opened the door and then, everything stopped.
“Three years…” He said. Not with anger, or hate, but with pain in his voice. “Three years I’ve been wondering where could you be.”
I was speechless, but I could feel the tears slowly coming out of my eyes. But I couldn’t move.
“Why did you leave like this? Not a single note.. You— didn’t say goodbye…” his voice was breaking. “You said you’ll never leave me, Sam.”
“I’m sorry” That was all I could say. Almost like a whisper.
He stood there, tears filling his eyes. His right hand was against the wall outside of the door, and his left hand was forming a fist. After all this time I had forgotten how his voice sounded like. And for a moment I almost forgot the reason why I left him. I was going to embrace him, but then I realised everything was the same. So I stopped.
He moved his hands and hold my face between them. He was trembling. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you, Sam. Every day I was wondering why did you leave me…”
Then I cocked my face to the right and took his hands away from my face. His expression was pure confusion and probably disillusion.
“No, Tom. You left me.” I felt one tear roll down my cheek. “Right when you started going out with Sussanah, you forgot about me. You weren’t there for me… Not even when I received my PhD. You didn’t even apologise!” My voice was full with rage, and I couldn’t help it.
Tom’s face was motionless, and I could see fear in his eyes. We’ve had fights before, but I’ve never seen him looking at me like this before.
“All these years I was there for you, I never left. Not one day. I supported you every time. Remember that time when your mother died? That time when you couldn’t stop crying and I cried with you all night long? Do you remember what you told me, Tom? Or was it just another lie of yours?” I looked at him and felt my heart rising at every word I spoke.
For a moment I thought that he would shut the door and leave. But he didn’t.
“I meant every word I said,” he said with a calmed voice. “And I will say it a thousand times more, Sam.” There was a long pause before he started talking again. ” You. Are. The only one. I have.” He leaned forward and took my head between his hands again, and then kissed me deeply.
All the rage, and everything else I was thinking, faded away with that unexpected kiss. Closing my eyes, I forgot the time, the place, and I forgot my name. It was only this moment. The lips I always wanted for me were against mine. A minute of bliss.
I opened my eyes and returned to my reality. His hands were still in my face and I was shivering. Did he know?  ”W-why…”
“Why now, you mean? Because all these years I wasn’t brave enough to tell you. That’s why,” he stopped to lower his hands to my shoulders. “Because I thought I’d never be good enough for my oldest friend, the only one who was there to bare with all my flaws, the only one who knew my true fears… The most beautiful girl I’ve ever met.” He smiled at me, and searched for my eyes.
“All this time…” I started to say, my eyes on the floor. “All this time, I thought that you’d never see me that way… As somebody else but your oldest friend.”
He raised my head. ”I will never stop seeing you as my best of friends, Sam. But I want to see you as something else too…”
There was a sudden alarm sound that came from the kitchen. I forgot about the turkey I had put in the oven.
“Well, maybe we can talk about it during lunch?” He said, smirking. “May I?”
He had been outside my door all this time, and I blushed at that sudden realisation. “Yes.. um, come on in. Tom.”
Tom. his name tasted sweet in my mouth. He took my arm and walked before me just to lean down and kiss me tenderly. “Don’t ever leave me again. Please.”
“I won’t.”